Becky Bortack: Mom, Widow, Songwriter, and Yogi

Welcome to the unforgettable conversations podcast, where you'll meet people from all walks of life. Everyone from experts in their fields to ordinary folks leading extraordinary lives. We're pulling back the curtain every week on sometimes difficult, often hilarious, but always engaging conversations that promise to be unforgettable.

Becky Bortak my guest today is a mom, a widow, a songwriter and a Yogi who believes love conquers all. In today's unforgettable conversation we talk about her journey, navigating depression, divorce, finding love again, fertility issues, her husband's shocking diagnosis and what she did to keep her sanity through it all. On her website, my online retreat you'll find restoration for your body, your mind, and your soul. And listen until the very end of our conversation for a very special five minute meditation, just for you! Good morning, Becky, how are you?

Good morning, Sandi. I'm doing well. How are you doing today?

I'm doing great. Thank you for being here today. You have such a fascinating life and you have done so many different things, and yet you're heading into another direction, but it's not been an easy path to get where you're at today. So tell me about your life, a little bit about your life when you were growing up. What was your life like when you were a kid with your family?

Well, thank you so much for having me, Sandy. I'm really happy to be on your podcast. Yeah, so my life was, I guess, in some ways it was a typical, middle class Midwestern experience. Dad worked, mom stayed home, have two younger sisters. So we kinda did the normal stuff church and I was in band and choir and all that kind of stuff. So that was kind of the normal stuff I would say. Um, loved music. I had a neighborhood group and we'd make little plays and music, you know, all that kind of stuff. But one of the things that was true of my life, especially as I was, as I got into my teens, because I really struggled with depression and anxiety. When I was growing up, in the eighties that wasn't something you really talked about. Right. So my parents did their best. They loved me through it, but they didn't really know what to do about it. And so I ended up struggling with that well into my twenties before I finally got into counseling, get some medication support and really began to deal with, with that and make some progress.

And how was that like you said, nobody talked about it, then it was like, you know, just buckle up and, and move on kind of thing. That was the attitude back then. So how did that affect you as a teenager and a young adult?

Yeah, no, that's true. I remember, even when I first started college, I would wake up in the middle of night with these horrible terror. Like I was just terrified. It was like the nightmare. Then it but the terror wouldn't go away. I started having panic attacks to the point where I couldn't even be in a movie theater, without panicking and having to leave. It was just like, well, get over it. You got to figure out a way through this. There was no sympathy. No, no. You know, no one had solutions. So it, it really colored my experience I think. As a teenager, I didn't even realize what was happening. I was a pretty good student, but I would have these moments where I just couldn't bring myself to do homework. I just couldn't study for that test. And I would just spend hours in my room crying. And I just thought, well, this is just what life is. This is what you do. And, and you just, when you finally come back up out of it, then you get on with life. I would say it was her seeing life through. Uh, blue lens, I guess, is the best way to describe that. I had some good friends, but high school was not a great experience for me. I wasn't certainly wasn't popular, didn't really date a lot, was happy to leave, leave high school behind, started out in college and again, kind of same struggles. didn't didn't necessarily, find my spot. I continued on with my, my Christian faith into college and found a place there. And that's kind of when I started to begin to find some more healing and started to explore ways to get better and to not have to live with this depression and anxiety.

And what was it like once that curtain opened and you had some answers and some help, what did life look like compared to what it was prior to that.

Yeah. You know, I'd love to say it was rose colored, but that's not accurate, but it did. It was like, I was always, you know, if there was like a normal line and then I was always just underneath it. And finally, once I started taking some medication, it was like, oh, Okay. I don't have to feel sad all the time. I don't have to just fight every day just to feel somewhat to, you know, be able to have energy, to actually just do the normal things that other people can just do without having to work so hard. So it gave me a lot more energy. I started to feel a lot better about myself. My self esteem had been really, really, really low. So that came. Yeah, it was, it was a gradual increase, but it definitely. It gave me more energy and I was able to really start to focus on my career and sort of making a life for myself at that point.

And so at that point, you go on to a career. You have a love story, you meet your husband at some point during this time?

Yeah. It's not quite that linear. I wish it was, but, I was still, dealing with some of my issues and struggling, and I was 26. And you know, that point in your life, everyone's getting married. Right. And so I felt this pressure to pair up and, ended up marrying my first husband. It was just not a healthy marriage. He had a lot of mental health issues and I was still trying to figure myself out. And so between the two, it just, it just didn't work. And I tried everything I could and about eight years in, I realized this is just, this is not working. So I talked to him about it and we went to counseling and I thought, well, maybe, maybe there's hope, you know, he we're going to counseling this, this could work out. And after we left the counselor's office, he said to me, well, I'm just happy that you have to make some changes and improve. Of course. And I said, well, I don't think this is going to work. So, so that was really the end of that. And, at the same time, I'd also started getting my master's in counseling, and really felt the passion and always felt a drive to help others. I really felt like this was where I was headed. So in the midst of working on my masters, I was divorcing my husband and working, at a company just, part-time. pay for things while I was studying. And at that company, after my divorce a good friend there said, you know, Hey, let's go out. They took me out for my birthday. And, when we were out, they were talking about the one talking about her husband, who is a chef and how he cooks for her. I said, well, that's what I need. I need a chef. Her husband happened to be there at that moment. He said, okay, you want a chef? I'll get you a chef. And so that's how I met my second husband, Jim, who was a chef and had worked with him.

What was Jim's specialty?

Um Italian. Yeah, it was amazing. So he worked at a pretty popular Italian restaurant around here in Michigan. What really drew me to Jim. So we met, they kind of brought us all together at this bar, and we're just kind of a casual meetup. we were talking and it turned out, we had so much in common and we're both firstborn. We both kind of had similar upbringings but the biggest clincher for me was that he had studied music in college. So I happened to be singing in a choir at that time and I said, well, we need men. Do you want to come and sing in the choir with us? And to my surprise, he said, yes. So that was our first date.

Wow. That's awesome. So you had music and then you got married at some point.

Yeah. Yeah. So we, we started dating and getting to know each other. We were both avid readers. We both liked the same quirky scifi movies and things, and just need to have more and more in common. And, really thought that this was it. I didn't have any children, but he had a child with another woman. So he was juggling the child and me, and there are times that I would feel like, oh, are you really in this? Are you really with me or not? And so we were kind of having those conversations and, I was at his apartment one night and he just looked at me and he said, well, I think we should do this. And he pulled out a ring.

Were you shocked?

I was, I was like, oh, okay. Got it. I understand. So, you know, He was a quiet man. so he wasn't Always demonstrative. So I think that is part of my, a little bit of my insecurity of are, are we, is this, is this good? Is this going somewhere? And so when he did that, it was like, yes, I'm committed. We're in this together. we planned a wedding for a year and then we got married, um, April 22nd. So I was older and really wanted to have a child. And he was with me on that., but unfortunately, my body wasn't cooperating. So we went through and infertility treatments, for a couple of years and then just decided between the emotional up and down and the expense that it was just time to, to be done. And we were really both okay with that and said, okay, we'll just we'll travel. We love to travel. And we just kind of started to plan our life as a couple., and of course, not everybody, but a lot of people, when you say that when you're done, that's when, the blessing comes as a surprise. And so we found ourselves pregnant, in January of 2014, with what would be our son. So super exciting time. It did kind of shift us like, okay, well we were going to buy a condo. We were going to like, you know, and so we're like, oh, good thing. We didn't buy that condo. So we backpedaled and, we're excited to welcome August or Augie is his name into our lives in 2014. So that was really great. And honestly, I felt like once that had happened, that we had reached the stability point, right. Where I had a good job. He had a good job. again, every couple has their moments, but we were, we were together and I knew we were going to work it out and had a good partnership but unfortunately, while this was the love of your life and your love story. It didn't end happily. And you ran into some really hard times. 2017 and our son was three. And Jim started to notice that he'd have some aches and pains. And, as a chef who was a little bit older, That was normal. Right. So we didn't think too much of it. until one night I, had called them, was talking to him on the phone and his, the words were really slurred and I couldn't figure out what was going on. We did enjoy an adult beverage every now and then, of course. But that was not his typical, he never drank or did drugs or anything to the point where his, you know, was slurred. So we couldn't figure out what was going on. So, I said, well, you really need to get to the doctor because there's something more to this. So we started this journey of going to the doctor and again, he was a private person, so he would go on his own and he was going through these crazy tests and he kept telling me, well, they just really don't know. They don't only don't know. And this went on for about a year. And in the meantime, we decided to move because my job changed. So we moved to a different location in Michigan and had gone through all this. And you still wasn't getting any answers from the doctor that he was telling me. But he seemed more reserved. He felt like he was kind of pulling back from me and, uh, So one day I just said, you know, what's going on? Is everything okay? Because I feel like you're, you're just kind of being distant. And finally he said, well, they think I might have ALS, which is Lou Gehrig's disease. And I just, I said, oh, that's ridiculous. He said, you know, there's just, um, it's so rare. I I'm sure that's not what it is. And so he, saw a lot doctor, so we recommended, you know, I said, why don't you go back to our, our primary care doctor, go see him, see what's going on with the next step should be. And so that led him to another battery of tests. Finally he said, this was a January. 2018, you said, well, I have this doctor's appointment. This gonna kind of tell us the final results. So why don't you come with me? And I said, okay. So we drive down to Detroit and he hadn't really told me where we were going, but as we walk in and we're following the signs I see we're going to the ALS clinic. And so I'm starting to realize. You know, okay. There's something, there's something going on here and we get in and we sit down and that's when the doctor kind of reviews the results. And he says, yes, I'm sure that your husband, that Jim has ALS. And I was just shocked. I mean, if you could have, if I wasn't sitting down, I think I would have fallen over. Cause it was not the diagnosis. I. I ever would've dreamed, you know, you prepare for things like heart attacks, cancer, which, I mean, those are, you never want that, but you know, those are kind of the normal things you think of might happen. And this was just never, even in my, in my realm of possibilities. So I asked the doctor, if he was sure And he said, yes, he was that it was definitely ALS. And so the next week, we had social workers and all these people coming in to offer, you know, support and help. And I just kept thinking, wow, if they're automatically offering all this support, this is going to be bad. So how do you pick up the pieces at this point? Because basically you're in shock. You don't know where your future is going to be. I'm sure. Your husband was, what a, what a tragic diagnosis to have, because there isn't really a good outcome. So how do you come to terms with all of this? Yeah, yeah, we, we left the doctor's office and we were driving back in our car and we're just like, what the fuck basically? Sorry, if you have to edit that out. I mean, we're just like, I can't believe this. This is the reality because you know, for people who don't know it is a death sentence. So basically your body, the neurons, the neuro connectors between your, your brain and your muscles that stop working. So, your brain tells your body to move and it doesn't move. And eventually it does affect the lungs. So it. It's a terrible outcome. Jim had been living with this knowledge for a while and now I understood why he didn't tell me because I didn't want to tell anyone, because once you tell someone it became real. So my family was waiting for a phone call to see how things had gone. I couldn't even talk to him. I just said, I'll off to text you later. It's not good. We went out, we got my son, cause he was at daycare. We went out to dinner and we just kind of pretended like we hadn't heard the message. But then, you just slowly kind of start to realize, this is one thing that we decided to do was like, well, what do we need to do? What things haven't we done that we want to do? cause we just realized that it's that wake up call, right? Like this is it. This is our life and we need to live it now. My husband had always wanted to go to this place called Isle Royale, which is, almost to Canada north of Michigan. It's a little island state, it's a national park. No one lives there, it's just untouched. And so we made a trip to do that and, did that that summer. And he hiked those trails with the cane, but he did, it was. Amazing. And unfortunately, his progression was rather quick. So he started out with a cane, went to a Walker, and then unfortunately he had a fall which broke his shoulder, which led him to then being by the time he recovered from that he had to be in a wheelchair. The thing about ALS it's like you're, it's constantly changing. Fortunately we had a really great organization ALS of Michigan that we could rely on to provide. Like, they, had a wheelchair loan because to buy a, a wheelchair it's incredibly expensive insurance isn't covering most of this. so they would provide equipment and things like that things progressed. So it was, it was a very scary time. It was a very difficult time but I think we were almost forced to realize what was happening because it was happening so quickly.

Now, what did you do as his wife, as his caregiver? What did you do to take care of you during this time? Because he had medical professionals that were helping him, but emotionally, physically that takes a real toll on you as the caregiver. So what did you do during this time so that you didn't, I mean, lose your mind basically,

right? Right, exactly. Yeah. When it had first happened, um, I remember distinctly I was, giving our son a bath like I said he was around three at the time. And, bathtime was always a struggle. So Augie is the sweetest boy and he is also a determined boy. Right. He wants to do what he wants to do. So getting him to rinse his hair was like, Almost a nightmarish thing at that point in time. And I was of course, dealing with all these emotions that I wasn't really even dealing with. Right. I was just like, okay, I do the next thing, do the next thing, do the next thing. So as I'm giving him a bath and he wouldn't come down to get his hair rinsed, I had just lost it. And I screamed at him and I'm like, you got to get your hair rinsed, come down here now. We don't get to do what we want. We don't get, we want in life. So get down here and rinse your hair. You know, mama, the year, right? Not the mom. I want to be. So he was crying and I got his hair rinse. I pulled him out and I said, I'm sorry, mommy, sorry, I'm sorry. I got up so upset. And we hugged and I sent him downstairs to dad but it was a real wake up call for me. Cause I just realized I have to take care of myself or this is who I'm going to be. I'm going to fall apart. And that's not the kind of mom I wanted to be. I also had to be now, not just a wife, but a caregiver to my husband and I was now the breadwinner. I was now, handling everything. All for the last few years I had been, using meditation to help me and I hadn't done it regularly, but it was definitely something that was a great source of help for me, especially with, my depression and anxiety. It also was a way for me to just take that pause. Right. And to be able to train my mind to be less reactive and more proactive and be able to take a pause instead of reacting immediately in a situation. So I just went right to meditation and also yoga and yoga was another thing that I've been practicing for awhile. And I found that those became my, my lifeblood, right. I had to do them in order to start to get my energy back, to get my place of calm and peace so that I could be there for my family.

And so you you do that but your husband is progressing and getting, getting worse, and inevitably he passes away. And then that's yet another shock to you because even though you see him every day and you know, he's not getting better, even when it happens, it's such a shock. So how do you pick up the pieces at that point? Now your husband is gone. You're a single mom. Where do you go from there?

Yeah, that's a really good point. You know, I think anyone who's been through any kind of loss, even when you know, it's coming, you just never are prepared. He passed away in January of 2020s. So fortunately it was right before COVID. Cause that would have been really scary to go through that with someone, with ALS, with the issues with the lungs and then the other positive thing, if there is a positive thing, is that. His death was really quick. Like it was a surprise because, hadn't been having a lot of trouble breathing. He was still doing well. He wasn't a hospital bed. Couldn't move at this point., he needed constant 24 hour care. but had a point where he was, he had phlegm that he couldn't clear from. And then he ended up passing pretty quickly. I wasn't there, his caregiver was there, but so yeah, it was, it was a shock. and going through all that and having, you know, the funeral and you're just doing what you, you know, going through the funeral, anyone who's been through that, you just do the next thing. Right. You're just getting through it and making the decisions. So I. Came down to, again, was that I had to continue with meditation. I had to continue to take care of myself in them. It said this cause now it was Augie and I, and he was all I had and I had to keep carrying on. so this was also during COVID, right? So it was a complicated time for a lot of people. But the positive thing that came out of COVID was all these online programs creeped up, came up. And so I joined a group called happy Jack yoga, and it was online teaching. And that's really where I found continued encouragement. And in fact, the woman, Hannah, his wife, had lost her husband a few years back. And so being with that group and, and practicing and learning how to teach yoga, learn how to teach meditation. I found my people and I was able to continue on and keep moving forward.

So you do move forward with this because you've made this a part of your not only healing process, but a career. So tell me about that. Tell me about the retreat and how you've taken everything you learned from all of these difficult times and you've really created a passion around it.

Yeah. About six months after my husband had passed, I realized that I wanted to do something to give back. And I, I knew as a caregiver, as a mom that I didn't have an hour to do yoga every day. I barely had 10 minutes. Right. I didn't have, you know, hours and hours to sit and meditate, but I did know that even if I could just find five minutes. Even if I could just find 10 minutes, it was beneficial. And so I put together this website called my retreat and the idea was that it would be a place for caregivers, for moms, for anyone who needed a break and everyone in COVID we all needed a break to come and to just be able to find simple solutions, quick breathing techniques, one pose yoga, 5 minutes of meditation, even a walking meditation, or learn how to be mindful when you're doing the dishes or cleaning the house or, um, taking a step back from your computer for five minutes. And it really was a labor of love to create this website and just really help people see, beyond the midst of yoga, see beyond in the midst of meditation, share things that I have learned that, different authors and teachers that I had found that helped me grow along the way. And to just really give that as a gift to people who were either going through what I had gone through or who were currently going or who will go through it.

And that has also evolved into a podcast.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm really excited. I was listening finally got listening to podcasts. I was a little slow on the uptake there, but, and once I did, I was hooked right there. They're just so intimate and the things that you can learn from them and get to know people in a different way, just really excited me and I had been thinking about, well, what would it be like to do my own? And so I took a class. And I met some really great people, Sandi included, and I'm starting to think about, yeah, this would be a great way to get this out to other people, a simple way that they could listen and they can learn. So I'm starting my podcast, April 11th and the idea behind it. It's again, it's, it's my retreat. So it's a place for people to come and just take a little break, um, listen to a positive message. I'm going to be talking to healers, talking to people who have, Incorporated meditation into their life and had a positive impact as a result. And I'm also going to be giving quick meditations that you can do anywhere you can do them like I said, when you're walking, you can do them when you're doing menial tasks or even waiting in the car to pick up your kids.

And I'm so excited about that because that's really important to me. And I find, I can't sit still for a long meditation. I just can't, you know, the dogs will interrupt me barking or somebody will knock on the door or, I mean, interruption after interruption. So I'm really excited to be able to listen to these short things and I love a walking meditation. There is something about being outside and just walking and meditating at the same time. And people think you can't do that. I find it to be one of the most for me, the most relaxing times and most thought-provoking time that and in the shower, I meditate a lot when I'm standing in the shower. Yeah, absolutely. I think there really is this misconception that you have to sit in this position and clear your mind and spend hours and it's all false. Right? You can do it walking. You can do it. The showers are great place. I hadn't thought about that, but you're right. Excellent place. it doesn't have to be for a huge length of time and you don't have to clear your mind. I think that's another thing. People think that why can't shut my mind off. But the reality is the mind thinks itself. There's always thoughts going on. So it's more about just being gentle with yourself and continuing to bring yourself to whatever you're focusing on. Right? So it's making sure that you're mindful. It's why it's called mindfulness mindful of the moment that you're in and helping you be present there. And what kind of tips. Would you give somebody who's going through a very difficult time or has been through a difficult time and they're looking to find some kind of centering some kind of peace of mind. What are three things that they could do right now that could easily just get them in a better place, maybe not solve their problem, but get them in a better place.

Yeah. First, the first thing that comes to my mind is just, be gentle with yourself. We often extend kindness and compassion to others very easily, but we can be really hard on ourselves and expect ourselves not to be upset or not to be angry or not to be sad. And the reality is this is a tough time and it is okay. So be gentle with yourself, give yourself that compassion. the second thing I would say is just find a moment for yourself. even if it's just literally one minute. Take a pause, put a timer on stand, sit, whatever you can do for that moment and just breathe. Just notice your breath in and out, in and out. Just notice, feel where it is in your body and just do that for a minute. Um, and if your mind wanders, just be kind to yourself and, and bring it back to the breath. And then the last thing I would say that they can do is to ensure that you have someone to talk to that you have a place where you can be honest. That was what was so great for me. You know, as, as a caregiver, it's really hard because, oh my gosh, my husband was dying. Right. He was dying. He was losing his life and it was the most horrendous thing. And I, and my heart was just beyond for him. Right. I couldn't give him enough compassion. And at the same time, it was hard on me. It was really, really hard. I was feeling the same pain and struggle. And so I found I had a counselor. I found a Facebook group where I could just go in there and just completely vent. And it was safe. I had friends that I can do that to some degree, but the Facebook group, it was people who knew exactly what I was going through. So find your people, find your person. Counselors are great for that. Cause you can say anything and it's all good because you need your outlet and you need a place to be real.

And how were you feeling now, now that you know, hopefully we're coming out of the pandemic, that you've had a little space to kind of grow and take care of yourself. So where, where are you at now for yourself? How do you feel now?

Yeah, I'm really happy to say that I'm in a great place. I feel I'm excited about the future. For a while, it was really hard for me to think about Moving on because I felt guilty, right. That guilt, double Jim doesn't get to move on. He doesn't get a life and I do, and I've done some work around that. And, and now I think of it more as moving forward. I also think about how, you know, He is excited to hear what I have to say at the end of everything. Right. He wants me to live a life. You would not want me to, just to sit around and waste, the gift that I've been given. So I'm excited about the future. I'm excited about moving forward. I'm super excited about meditation and being able to lead others and teach others and, and give that gift back to them. I'm excited to see what's going to be for Augie and I, and, and continue to be his mom and see what our live's hold.

I think you're an absolutely remarkable person. I think you have been through the fire and then some, and come through to be able to inspire others. I mean, you've touched my heart. And you know, everybody comes into your life for a reason, and I know you came into my life at a good time to inspire me, and you've done such a great job of that. And I'm very grateful and I can't wait for others to be able to listen to you on your podcast. And, to see my retreat, your, your website, and learn from you the way that I have. I mean, you're just a remarkable unforgettable person.

Thank you, Sandi. You're bringing tears to my eyes. Thank you so much. That's really kind. And you have been a great inspiration and you've, you've kind of pushed me and kicked my butt to keep me going. So I'm really grateful for that. Thank you.

Well, thank you. Becky Is resilience personified. I've listed all the information where you can find her in the show notes. If this episode resonated with you in any way, and you know someone who might benefit from hearing it, please share. And if you enjoyed it, please follow, review and rate. Your feedback is sincerely appreciated. And now without further ado, here is Becky's special meditation, just for you. Namaste.